he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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