just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
