I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize