you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
