i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
