is your mom at the bar?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
