in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
