I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
