hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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