i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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