I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
we're so committed to being not committed
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
