I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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