you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize
