Pants 0. Shit 1.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
