Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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