Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
