this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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