conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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