did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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