i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
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Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
so much tequila, so little girl.