they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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