I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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