turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
