im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
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Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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