when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
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I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
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We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.