My boss' voice literally gives me gas
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.