I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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