so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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