Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.