Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
