tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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