you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
