The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
