so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I just got carded by a ten year old.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
