4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
