Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
