Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
