New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
