Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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