You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
