i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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