I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
We smell like vodka and hangover
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
