Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
she peed on how many people?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
