Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
