it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
