Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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