The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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