all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
