Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Randomize
