Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
