yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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