I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
