I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
And the cops told us we were all naked.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
