IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
