Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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