i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
