Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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