I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
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I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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