I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
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sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
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Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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