VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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