"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Randomize
