I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
