Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
